I’m nearing the end of year 3 of my deep healing journey and I am feeling soooooo good. I don’t know if I’ll ever be 100% of a normal person again, but I suppose I’ve learned to accept today for all the good it holds.
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I told my husband many years ago and many times over … if I can be well for a whole year, we might actually have finally figured out what is wrong. To many of you, these firsts are table stakes… I have low expectations out of life. Being sick for a decade taught to expect nothing out of this life. EVERYTHING is a gift.
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You’re wondering how I know I’m better if I don’t have a name for it… I get it. I’m better because I’m living, really fully living. That’s how I know I’m better. Layer by layer. Set back and rebound by set back and rebound.
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We want boundaries. We want predictability. We want confidence. We want to see the bottom.
We’re used to our predictability and sense of control leading us to believe we actually manage our lives. Read that again.
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Like my black pup longing for our return, I wait…. I send out the feelers for God’s movement. No dry ground yet. He sends the rains and He dries the waters. Blessed be the name of the Lord…. I wait.
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2 weeks of waiting, not 2 months. Appointment tomorrow.
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I’m on the cusp of more tests and more specialists. I’m no rookie to this game, and yet my heart falters, again.
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On 9/11 of 2001, I realized I rely on predictability like I rely on air.
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Showing up matters. Sometimes showing up means you can be the life of the party. The funny one. The smooth one. The remembered one. Sometimes showing up means you made it. You chat with a few people. You settle into a corner and nurse your mental or physical injuries and wonder why you dragged yourself out for this.
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It can be hard to remember – good things and crummy things. The strain of hard circumstances can consume our brain power and crowd out important details that might require higher order thinking than our gut emotions. In these moments, we need to access support for ourselves as we push forward to a brighter tomorrow. Oftentimes the sun will come out “tomorrow.” But sometimes “tomorrow” takes a while.
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I have done the celebrating. I have spoken the gratitude. I have eaten the ice cream on a few rare occasions. I have shown up more than ever before. But, the truth is that it’s not all rainbows and daisies.
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When I looked at my body I saw frailty, wimpy-ness, and brokenness. I saw massive, overwhelming, and life-altering weakness. How could I conclude anything different?
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A year prior to my diagnosis I met one of my lowest moments. We had secured life insurance that doubled Mike’s protection. We had backed out of all of life’s commitments besides Mike’s career. We talked to people about it. We prayed about it. All of our ducks were in a row and I applied to a major health research institute. I was worse than I’d been yet and we didn’t expect me to survive the year. So, we threw all financial caution to the wind in our last stitch effort to find an answer. This institution holds promise for healing AND the ability to destroy my family’s financial future. I worried about their financial future in my wake. So, this decision was as monumental as any major life change might be. I had yielded to our financial fate. I had hoped for answers and healing.
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I hope we see with new eyes because of what I lived in this wilderness. I hope we approach circumstances with fresh optimism and vigor because of it. I hope we draw greater strength from our past learnings because of this wilderness. This walk will be deep. Grab a life-jacket and wade in with me, if you wish. We’re a long way from shore.
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Have you ever lost credibility? Either because you’ve made a genuine misstep or you’re only perceived to have made a misstep? In either case, I’m guessing you find it humbling and humiliating, like I do. If not, teach me your ways! When we’ve decided we want to re-build credibility, how do we do it? I contend it takes a bit of grit and grace to walk this road.
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Coming to terms with my new state of existence was confusing. It didn’t make sense to me or the people around me. The doctors couldn’t find ANYTHING wrong with me. I questioned myself. I questioned healthcare. I questioned God. And I slept.
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Life has taken me on a tortuous journey for the past eight years. In recent layoffs at my Fortune 50 employer I could choose to re-locate within the company or take my severance and run. I chose to run. Not at all because I hated my corporate career. Instead, because I chose to pursue a path prompted and encouraged by many strong voices in my life. My road has diverged from corporate America to pursue a career as a speaker and writer. About what shall I speak and write? Growing grace and grit through limits.
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