Life is Really Happening

I read the email and my strength emptied…

It’s been too long since I’ve penned words to appear in this public place. I’ve wrestled my foe in private for these few months. It’s getting stronger; I am not.

I’ve wanted to tell you. I’ve wanted to tell you about what’s going on. I’ve wanted to unravel my thoughts and have something meaningful to say.

After an intensely fun filled summer of making memories, experiencing new things, and fulfilling dreams of lots of play and laughter with my kids, my health screeched to a halt. It’s morphed in ways I never anticipated.

I’m on the cusp of more tests and more specialists. I’m no rookie to this game, and yet my heart falters, again. I’ve addressed the gut symptoms and achieved great headway. I’ve re-evaluated my chronic viral infection for any wrinkles in the treatment. Yet, symptoms persist… and are even taking on new storm. We have to move into new areas of medical discipline that we’ve never deeply explored. When I know more, I’ll share more.

In the meantime, the enormity of my situation has swallowed me whole. My heart aches deeply, my grit is being tested afresh, and the grace of God in my life feels too small for my needs.

I’ve grasped for words to say here. You’ve been so supportive. You’ve been so thoughtful. You’ve prayed and promised to pray more.

I’ve wanted to tell you. I’ve wanted to tell you about what’s going on. I’ve wanted to unravel my thoughts and have something meaningful to say. Perhaps some of you are fighting your own fight as I do. Maybe we could even support each other?

I couldn’t find the words. I couldn’t put a complete thought together. It’s partly the symptoms. But, it’s largely my soul. My circumstances have been in a vortex and my soul tagged along for the ride. Darkness. Cornered. Crushed.

Where was the grit I painstakingly grew all these years? Where was grace for myself that I knew would give me breathing room?  Where was Jesus?

I had dreams for this Fall. I talked to a few book coaches and wished to pen words I thought I was ready to pour out. I enrolled in a public speaking training program to expand my thinking and hone my skills. I had a marketing plan and abundant ambition. Crushed.

Recently, a friend said “life really happens” sometimes. Have you lived “life really happening” at a time in the past? (Because I really hope it’s not right now, but maybe it is?) Has your chest been tight in the darkness and your bones cry out for breathing room? Have you wished to see the God who parted the Red Sea do something equally desperate and miraculous in your own life?

The email that emptied my strength said I can’t see the specialist for more than two months. Two more months of symptoms spinning out. Two more months of deep and urgent questions. My soul unraveled. Yes, I’ll try to influence this outcome. But, for now, this is my reality.

God scooped up my ugly questions. He absorbed my anger. He knowingly patted my back while the tears flowed in heartache. Then He answered through new friends. Through the years, a few people have asked all of the questions and wrapped their arms around all of my answers… and me. They’ve moved away. They are dear to me, but distant from my day-to-day.

On the heels of my recent unraveling, God offered me new friends who wanted to ask all of the questions and wrap their arms around the answers. It didn’t change the date for the appointment, but the load felt lighter. I hope you have someone who does the same for you. Pray for it specifically; it may be your most rewarding prayer of all.

My soul is grasping for wise and inspirational words to pour out for you and for me. I’m empty handed. I’m sitting in my darkness waiting for God to show His mighty hand. I dare not speak against the maker of heaven and earth or defend my justice; I’ve read the end of Job.

I remember from days when I was seeing in the light.

It’s taken me 6 years to read all of Job; it’s been a hard push. I finally made it through recently and I leave you with this - - “I had heard rumors about You, but now my eyes have seen You.” (Job 42:5).

I remember that I have seen Him in the past. I remember that He showed up in my craft fair tent and laid my long sought diagnosis at my feet. I remember that He sustained me in the valley of the shadow of death. I remember from days when I was seeing in the light. May He part the darkness and walk us through the deep waters on dry ground.

What has lifted your soul recently?

blessings,

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