Living Today - My Story, Part 4

For the first time in their lives, my kids count on me showing up for them.

This is the conclusion of my four-part series about my journey over these eight years. I hope you’ve enjoyed going on this ride with me and maybe picked up a nugget or two along the way that you find helpful. It’s a hard ride to the finish line, so sit tight if you want to get there with me. Thanks for joining.

It’s been a year since my treatment for my food issues ended. It’s been a year of consistent food gains as each month passes. It’s been a year of healing. I see my kids finally. I can keep up with my kids a lot of days. I contribute to housework. I no longer dread every meal. I am significantly less nauseas or dizzy. I’ve lived the dream. I’ve seen what I wasn’t sure I’d ever see again – something that looks kind of normal. These have been great days to be alive.

I have done the celebrating. I have spoken the gratitude. I have eaten the ice cream on a few rare occasions. I have shown up more than ever before. But, the truth is that it’s not all rainbows and daisies.

Within a couple of months of declaring myself notably better with the food issues I started a downhill slide again. This slide looked remarkably different than the food issues. This slide was gradual and barely detectable for a few months. Then it wasn’t. All of a sudden it owned me. So, I crawled back through the doors of my miracle working doctor and begged for answers. She’s an intuitive one. She picked up on something right away and tests confirmed her hunch.

A new form of treatment started (thankfully much less expensive than the food protocol) and seemed to work well quickly. After trying to come off the medicines for several months, and every time crashing and burning, it became clear something else must be going on for which the original treatment offered cover from the symptoms.

It took another couple of months to figure this one out. When we did get the results, my heart sank. It’s not autoimmune and there is no conventional medicine treatment plan. My temperature had been at 101 for well over a month combined with a host of miserable symptoms. While battling a persistent fever and all the other symptoms, I had continued muscling through my career and motherhood. See, after all my years of this I’ve concluded one of the most important things in life is to show up. Even if I’m propped up, I show up as much as I can. It matters. So, that’s what I did through my fever.

For those agony-filled months I had the “privilege” of returning to what felt like square one again – read sarcasm. After waving the flag of victory with food and enjoying the lightness of heart from looking in the rear-view mirror at the years of mystery, I once again found myself in mystery.

In some ways, I think it should have been easier because I had built so much hope and accomplishment since those first years of mystery. I had built the altars. I could tell the stories. I needed to remember. However, it didn’t practically go that way. My soul pulled me hard into dark places. All the memories came back louder, darker, and meaner. So, in my fevered state and pounding out life at the same time, I returned to the reading. I read books. I read websites. I read anything any doctor would recommend to try to help uncover what was going on. I tried things again. Lots of things. Countless doctors, countless tests, and countless dollars poured into figuring out what was going on.

Looking back, I can see that this condition was present with the food related conditions through the early years. The green juice and running had put this dormant for a while, which had opened the door to finally isolate the food issues and take ground on it. I am grateful for how they became separate issues along the way instead of staying intertwined.

So, for the past 6 months I’ve followed non-conventional paths to make this thing go dormant again. The green juice and running approach had taken about 3 years to get it under control. With all the things I’ve learned, I wanted a faster route to success. The non-conventional route has proven helpful at a faster rate than green juicing/running as I take noticeable steps in the right direction.

Within a few weeks my fever was going down and other symptoms were starting to lessen. As of today, I am much better most of the time. I have to be gentle with my body and listen to it closely at all times. When it tells me to stop I only have a little wiggle room for when that stopping needs to happen. My stamina is far less than I wish it were, but far better than I’ve known since my children were born. I hope for complete stability but am not yet confident it is achievable. Even now, without complete stability, I can make far more commitments to my kids and keep them without worrying too much about my ability to execute. I just keep a close eye on how full my schedule gets these days. And I show up when it matters most. Because it matters; regardless my state of being.

With the food issues and the most recent diagnosis combined, it’s fair to think that I’ll never be completely whole again. These beasts will likely always live in me. My job is to live a full life but keep them at bay enough that they don’t win again. Sometimes that looks like living a full day. Sometimes that looks like sleeping a day away.

There is a chance the most recent diagnosis is a symptom of a deeper-rooted problem. Chances are we’ll be seeking additional opinions in the foreseeable future, but we’re living these sweet summer days free of those thoughts thankful for the health and gains we’ve seen.

I’ve always been a driven and achievement oriented individual. I never saw the boxes and barely saw the barriers in life. Consequently, I consistently found myself pushing hard and overcoming obstacles while losing track of my body’s signals and fun around me. I’ve always known I should learn balance. I’ve always known I should work less. I never knew how to learn though. And really didn’t want to learn. So, I didn’t.

But now, in this season, I am learning big things about balance, gratitude, and re-defining success. In a recent reduction in force (lay-off), my position and the team I led were eliminated. I was given the opportunity to find a new position in the company or take my severance and run. A few days after the lay-off I got my diagnosis. My husband and I chose, for the time being, to pursue a path of maximum flexibility for me instead of continuing in the corporate America path. We hoped this choice would give me more freedom to show up for our kids more.

In my new-found flexibility, I am taking much better care of my physical health and pursuing dreams. I’ve always dreamed of writing, so here I am. I’ve always dreamed of speaking, so invite me to join your event. In my flexibility, I am re-defining success for my life and enjoying the greater ease in showing up. My soul still yearns for a traditional career again at the right time, we’ll see where the Lord leads.

For now and for the first time, I’m working hard at this thing called balance. For anyone who is trying to make a massive life change and shift their thinking into an unknown realm, you get me. You’re shaking your head “yes.” You’re cheering for me because you know how good it is to face off these strong character traits and tame them. Thanks for your support. It means the world. Please cheer me on as I walk this life growing path.

If you are starting your own major shift right now, please let me know! Let’s shift together. Some days I stumble hard. Some days I show progress. Let’s not lose the forest for the trees. It’s the war we’re here to win; let’s not get too caught up in each individual battle.

I hope I’m on the right path with the most recent diagnosis. I hope there’s not another tentacle to this monster that we haven’t found yet. I hope that taming this beast will result in peace and quiet for a long while. Whether it does or doesn’t, my God still reigns and He’s still working His glory in my life. I’ll talk more about this spiritual aspect of my road in time. For now, I encourage you and me to take comfort in His presence and trust that He is both sovereign and good. The story will continue…

I look forward to meeting you here again. Thanks for caring about my crazy story and getting to this “end” point of the story with me. I’m honored and humbled. There’s still story to write in my life today, tomorrow, and down the road. I hope you join me as this story continues to unfold. I look forward to exploring growing in grace and grit with you. Til next time.

blessings,