Re-building Credibility

To be considered strong, respectable, and credible meant everything to my soul for as long as I have memory. I based my personal value on it. For anyone to view me otherwise pressed me into a dark hole of soul reflection to learn from the experience and scramble at how to recover.

This crazy health road stripped me of all of those character traits I held dear. I couldn’t walk up the stairs or care for my children – the strength was gone. I said things people couldn’t easily observe or validate – the respectability was gone. Consequently, people questioned what I said about lots of things – my credibility was gone. Some have thought I was psycho-somatic. Others called me a hypochondriac. I was even accused of anorexia. Then some turned it into a spiritual matter; that I had unconfessed sin or a sordid past I was hiding that was manifesting itself in physical health issues. I was humiliated. I was embarrassed. I was confused.  

Have you ever lost credibility? Either because you’ve made a genuine misstep or you’re only perceived to have made a misstep? In either case, I’m guessing you find it humbling and humiliating, like I do. If not, teach me your ways! When we’ve decided we want to re-build credibility, how do we do it? I contend it takes a bit of grit and grace to walk this road.

Here are a few observations I’ve made about re-building credibility with the most important people in our lives (because we can never convince the masses of our credibility). These aren’t from a textbook. These aren’t scientifically tested. These are my opinions built over my road of coming to terms with my new reality.

1)    Listen to the voices – usually people who choose to not believe you or think less of you do so because they care about you. If they didn’t care about you they wouldn’t bother to form an opinion and share it. Give them grace. They mean well. Somehow, they might think their view and comments will help you to be a better person by sharing it with you.

When I listened to these voices I looked for themes. I looked for their heart’s intent. I looked for the parts of my life that highlighted their doubts about me. These cues sometimes shed light on my blind spots. I’m grateful for the ability to see myself more clearly because of their thought provoking comments.

2)    Process the hurt – the voices might hurt your soul; they certainly have hurt mine. It’s normal, but it doesn’t make it easier. The words may rattle around in your head and heart for a long time. I still hear voices from 10 years ago. Acknowledge the pain. Give it space to be real. Allow it to inform your thinking, then find a path forward.

Finding a path forward is key, but allow yourself freedom to stay in the pain for the right amount of time. Oftentimes our souls instinctively know when it’s time to shift from staying with the pain to moving forward. Give your soul space to process the hurt, then press forward with grit and grace to rise through the hurt.

3)    Observe objectively – step back and look at the circumstances with a birds’ eye view. Try to see it from their point of view; recognize their experiences, training, and line of sight to your world.   

My dad always said, “believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.” I was so confused as a kid about this statement. I always wondered how I could not believe what I saw? As an adult, I now understand. Things I see with my eyes oftentimes are not at all how they appear – possibly due to unknown motivations or confounding factors I can’t detect. There are a million reasons to explain what I observe and I need to be open to the idea that their reality could be perfectly reasonable although it appears to be not reasonable to me. Allow what’s not obvious to be possible.

Look at yourself. Observe how others might see your life. Be truthful with yourself about how it might be possible they could come to the conclusion you are not credible.

Give them and yourself grace for the friction you are experiencing. My experience has been that doing the right things right eventually pays off.

4)    Decide your course of action – We’ve looked at it from every angle, now what? My default setting is to DO something about it. I analyze, then I choose. It’s one of my most prominent patterns in life. I’m in a conflict (internally or relationally) because I’ve lost credibility; the two most common ways to handle a conflict are to confront or hide.

Some people are masters at subtly using humor and grace to address these conflicts. This skill lives somewhere between addressing and hiding from it. I envy these people. If you are good at this skill, please contact me and teach me your ways. It’s a great art form and I desperately wish to learn it from someone who does it brilliantly.

If you’re like me, your most realistic options are to address or hide from it because you lack the awesome skill of using humor to diffuse the situation. In my experience, addressing it is risky and hiding from it often results in bitterness. Both require further action, so pick your poison. I’ve done a smattering of both along the way and continue to reap consequences of both types of attempts.

If you choose to hide, my observation is that grace is key. Let them off the hook and don’t continue to hold it against them. Grace is required. I know, I know… grace in situations like this is easier said than done.

If you choose to confront, read Crucial Conversations first. It’s all the tools and skills you need in one very well researched book. You won’t regret it. If you choose to confront, give grace still. If you confront, be realistic that you may or may not succeed at re-building credibility. Again, more grace for yourself and others.

5)    Come to terms – let it be what it is. If you need to change something about your life to be strong, respectable, or credible, then go after those changes. Sometimes strength, respectability, and credibility have to break for a little while before it can be re-built in a completely new way.

Those voices have a way of prompting us to question things about ourselves we may not have otherwise questioned. Those voices have a way of shedding light on painful parts of our lives that we may or may not know how to make better at this time. Whatever the situation, own it. And if you need to let your credibility be broken while you take a long-term view on re-building it in healthier ways, then give yourself grace for that. Do the work to look down the road, reverse engineer, and build a strategy for a path forward.  

At first I had to come to terms with the reality that something was terribly wrong with my body and that it was not other things. That took some time. I encourage you to own your reality, whatever it is. Once I came to terms with my reality, I had to come to terms with what it might look like for me to do something about it. I spent many years with broken credibility in the eyes of people I cared deeply about. It was painful. I wasn’t in a position to defend. Ironically, if I’d defended my credibility, it would have lowered it even more.

So, I took a long-term view. It was hard to give myself permission to be considered weak, disrespectable, and not credible. It was hard to realize and accept I couldn’t do something about it immediately. It took years to see a material difference, but it came. I looked for baby steps and gave myself props for doing a good thing for myself even if I was the only who could see it. I set my eye on a goal and stayed the course. Four years later I was validated. I was diagnosed correctly and all the nay-saying voices in my head were silenced.

Losing credibility is a hard road. To some of us, it means everything. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with others. Give grace to yourself and others.

And make good changes. Be creative. Be persistent. Over time, things tend to shake out. The waiting can be tough, but the result is worth the wait… like so many things in life. You can do the hard work of listening, observing objectively, and planning to re-build. Ultimately, grit in your plan will reap your reward. You can handle the wait. You can handle the work. You will reap the reward when you let the end be worth what it takes to get there.

Next week I’ll share part 2 of my story with you. Part 2 is about my time wrestling with the mystery. It’s the time between coming to terms with my new reality and getting accurately diagnosed. It’s, without a doubt, the darkest part of the journey. It’s also the part where I learned the greatest lessons. Oftentimes life works that way… the greatest outcomes result from the darkest nights. It’s also the longest part of my journey, so the post is long. If you’re curious enough, join me. It’s a path worth walking for all the good that came of it.

Til next time… Stay focused on the long game; do the right things right.

blessings,