2020: My Banner Year - My Story, Part 5

“That is so 2020” – A term used to describe an epic disaster.

It was a hard year; we made history. For the most part, I prefer to live a non-history making life - a small thing. A thing most people barely notice - a life so simple and boring it’s easily forgotten. As it turns out, that life is hard to live in a world of social media, big media, and traumatic events. 2020 brought traumatic event after traumatic event in such quick succession it felt as if the world has never before been like this. A decent look at a history book reminds us otherwise, but it sure felt unprecedented.

2020 was unprecedented for me. It was everything I ever prayed for and was hopeless would happen. I healed.

If you know anything about my story, please pause for a moment and read those words slowly… I. HEALED.

As I sit here and write I am still utterly befuddled that these words are mine. I still have to stop and take a deep breath sometimes and shake my head back to reality. The reality I honestly never believed could be mine again. The reality that I am deeply and overwhelmingly grateful for… I AM NOT A SICK PERSON.

It’s been 11 months since I last wrote a post; I didn’t know what to say. I started treatment 13 months ago and it has been a “process.” A deep, miserable, ugly, confusing, painful process. For every 2 steps forward I had to take 1 step back. By now, I’m used to this sequence. I didn’t know how to describe it to you for the longest time and wasn’t even entirely sure where I was and how things were changing much of the time.

I kept waiting for my 2 steps forward to yield 10 steps backward… that would be consistent with the last 10 years. But, it didn’t do that.

I kept waiting for the “cliff.” I am all too familiar with the free fall after achieving some success.

I kept waiting for ground lost to keep me sliding backwards. But, it didn’t. Every time I lost ground, I regained what I lost and gained more.

Every time it happened I almost didn’t believe what was happening. It took me 9 months to say that it was really working; I was scared of saying it too early. Then I was so active living a full life I didn’t stop to put words around it. I felt the urgency of 10 years to make up for and I didn’t know how long my “good streak” would last. I had lots of good to live… and quickly.

It’s been 13 months since treatment started. For 10 years I’ve said that if I can stay well for a year, then I’ll know that I’ve found my magic. I suppose, in a way, I’ve met this goal. It feels ethereal. October 27 is my true 1 year mark of “wellness,” not just the treatment journey. You’d better believe I’m throwing myself a party on October 27 if I’m still well when it rolls around.

You’re wondering what was wrong with me; you’re wondering what my diagnosis was… I don’t blame you. I still don’t know. That’s incredible confidence, huh? This was doctor 27. She’s a Naturopath and the cardinal rule of naturopathy is that you don’t get a diagnosis. It’s weird to our Western medicine minds, I know. They treat what’s happening based on what they observe and what their tests indicate. I was skeptical at first. REALLY skeptical. Even antagonistic. But, this treatment captivated my attention and I kept coming back to it. Man, I’m glad I did. 2020 was my banner year.

You’re wondering how I know I’m better if I don’t have a name for it… I get it. I’m better because I’m living, really fully living. That’s how I know I’m better. Layer by layer. Set back and rebound by set back and rebound.

It started in August when I painted all the walls in my house before we started traditional homeschooling – miraculous. In January 2020 I could barely stand and make dinner. By August, I rolled and trimmed and climbed the ladder a million times in 2 weeks.

Then I traditionally homeschooled my kids… if you know ANYTHING about me, you know this is 100% opposite of everything I have ever said, wanted, believed, or been able to physically execute. But, I chose to dive in head first… man, I’m glad I did.

Because those weren’t enough big things all at once, we threw in buying a travel trailer camper (we’d never camped even one time before this) and started camping at beaches – the “at home” version of schooling and working… if you’re going to do it all from home, why not the camper at a beach?

And if THAT wasn’t even enough, I started school. Yes, I’m homeschooling my kids AND I started back to school for myself. I’m in process of becoming a Naturopath myself. I’m trusting I’ll someday be able to help people how I was helped.

If you read any of my 4-part story, you know that healing was beyond my reach for hope. You know that my greatest hope was to dance with my beast and win most of the time. You know that in January of 2020 I was in bed almost 100% of the time and barely able to keep my family going. You know that true healing and a full life were beyond what I could fathom. I just wanted to be able to stay out of bed most of the day. Wow, did God blow my ambitions out of the water.

While the whole world was facing “unprecedented heartache” I was facing unprecedented hope and healing. I felt/feel almost guilty. People were barely hanging on and here I am taking my life by storm. I guess there’s a fair tradeoff in my last 10 years being a living hell, huh? I hope you can find grace in your heart to hear my story of healing as you reflect on the misery you’ve endured the last year. Often, misery loves company and I don’t want to hurt your heart with my joy.

My joy is overflowing. I dance while I bake… yes, bake. Remember me? Hater of FOOD. I’ve learned how to bake gluten free, dairy free, and sugar free desserts that are DELICIOUS and I can eat them! I sing while I clean up the dishes. Then I sit with a smidge of gluten free and sugar free wine with my warm dessert and almost cry for joy in the opportunity before me.

I pack my camper and check off all of my to-do list and joyfully hit the road with my boys anticipating the smell of salty sea air. We ride bikes. We walk the beach through sunset and well into darkness. We snuggle up around a campfire and I strum my guitar in my grossly beginner but entirely heart filling way while we sing and hum in the darkness. We crank up our country music and dance around our campsite with the dog when school is done and we can ride to the beach. I yoga and quiet time by the waves and lace up my gym shoes for a short beach run. We cook bacon and cornbread over a camp stove and spray ourselves down in bug spray to deter the mosquitos. We come home with our camper full of sand our hearts full of life.

2020 was my banner year. This is not the end of my health journey; this is the pivot. This is hopefully the point at which things get really good. This is the point at which I live life fully and engage deeply. This is the point of a career shift and new dreams. This is the point of seeing my kids with new energy and redeeming what I lost when they were babies. This is the point of pouring into marriage what I could not physically do for the last decade and we live joyfully in our vows. This is the point at which I sit before God in stillness (and often tears) and reflect on the joy of the life I live now.

I’m not 100%; I’m about 92%. I’m still careful of my commitments to people because I’m still timid about letting them down if things take a turn for the worse (which happens from time to time in set backs). It’s enough to live a full life though. I may still get to 100% yet, but only time will tell. I don’t hang onto that notion tightly. I suppose there’s always a chance I’ll lose ground. I may have to go back to bed for an extended period of time someday… but, if so, 2020 is not lost on me.

God’s redeeming work was on full display in my life in 2020. The world seemingly crumbled while He re-built my universe. We laugh a lot. We dance a lot. We sing a lot. We explore and do “new” things a lot. We talk a lot about perseverance and a lot about God’s glory.

We’ve always talked a lot about perseverance and God’s glory… grit & grace. It has a different spin on it now. This spin takes us to the waves and late night laughter around a campfire. God’s grace feels good right now. God’s grace is always good, but doesn’t always FEEL good. Funny how that works, huh? 2020 was everything for us. 2020 felt good and looked good.

I hope you find hope and joy in the work God is doing all around us. He’s still personal. He’s still moving in our individual lives. There’s still beauty in the strain. I know you know this; I know I’m “preaching to the choir” on this one. Thanks for indulging me though. Sometimes it’s still good to remember.

Remember the hard. Remember the good. Remember that He’s still working in and around us. I hope you get to paint your house and laugh around a campfire soon.

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